Paul the Professor
Another installment of my online dating fails…
First things first, Paul was never one of my professors, just a guy I met who was a professor. OK, now that you’re burning question has been answered, we can continue!
To read the whole story of how I got started posting online dating fails, check out this post, “Derek the Dentist”.
A couple years ago I met a guy name Paul online. He seemed great! College educated, Christian, employed, seriously what more can you hope for?!
I’m kidding of course, but sometimes it really feels like employed is the best a girl can hope for these days!
He worked as a professor at a local college and we seemed to have a few things in common right off the bat. We started talking, and eventually decided to meet up and get ice cream.
The morning of the day of our date I get a text, “Hey, can I ask you a personal question?”
These types of texts used to make me really nervous, now I almost find them amusing because of all the crazy and inappropriate questions that have come after a guy sends me that message.
He proceeds to ask me what my opinion of sex before marriage is.
I had a feeling that this was what he was going to ask, so I dove right in and answered honestly. I told him that I think that sex should be saved for marriage.
Then I waited for his reply. You know those times when you’re waiting for someone to reply to your text and it feels like an hour even though it’s probably only been like 30 seconds? This was one of those times. His reply was not the best, and not the worst.
He had some vague response like, “Well I agree with that idea in theory.” What on earth does that mean? Do you think it’s OK to have sex before marriage seems like a pretty straight forward question, but maybe that’s just me.
It would soon become clear what that vague response was supposed to mean.
He texted me the next afternoon, a few hours before our date, and said that something else had come up and that we would reschedule for another day.
How many times have you ladies heard the “something else has come up” line? In my experience this is a lie 100% of the time. The truth is that something has happened that made them change their mind about you and they aren’t man enough to actually own it and say that.
I know this will come as a shock to all of you, but he never rescheduled, and I’m guessing I know why. I’m pretty sure the looming threat of celibacy was more than he could wrap his little mind around, so he bailed.
And you know what? That’s OK!
Don’t waste time being sad when things don’t work out because a guy doesn’t agree with one of your non-negotiables. You should be excited. You’re one guy closer to meeting the right guy!
Honestly, I was glad he asked the question. It saved me a lot of time to know his thoughts up front. It seems clear that having sex in dating relationship was a non-negotiable for him and he brought it up early on.
Don’t be afraid to bring up the things you’re not willing to budge on. It may seem awkward, but it will only be more awkward once you’ve been dating for six months and then find out you have completely different values.
Saving sex for marriage may not be one of your non-negotiables. The things you’re not willing to budge on might be what part of the country you want to live in or whether or not you want kids. Whatever your most important items are, don’t budge on them!
That being said, your non-negotiable list cannot be 100 items long. It probably can’t even be 10 items long. I would suggest less than 5 things that you’re not willing to budge on under any circumstances.
Holding to your non-negotiables doesn’t make you judgmental or inflexible. It makes you wise. It means that you are committed to not wasting your time or someone else’s. You’ve taken inventory of your life and know what things are most important to you and why. Don’t ever be ashamed of that.
If someone disagrees with you on a non-negotiable, it’s time to move on. This is not a time for compromise. That’s why they’re called non-negotiables. There’s no discussion and no room for disagreement on these most important issues.
When coming up with a list of non-negotiables I’d encourage you to do a few things.
Keep the list short - Like I said before 3-5 things, not 30-50.
Ask for input from others - Even the best of us get a little too picky sometimes. Discussing your list with a friend might allow you to see that finding a guy who is exactly 6’2” isn’t the most important thing.
Pray about it - This may seem like a crazy thing to pray about, but why? God loves you and wants the best for you! If you pray and ask him for wisdom regarding what would be most important in a future relationship, he will help you!
That’s all for today! I hope you’ve enjoyed another online dating fail! Have you guys ever seen a potential relationship end before it got started because of your non-negotiable list?